Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
