My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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