cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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