I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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