Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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