who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
