Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
