my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
sex in a hospital.. check
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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