Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
