is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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