i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
