im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
