I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
