How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
