i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Randomize
