he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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