"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize