So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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