All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
