so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
