You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
