Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
