my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
