I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
