I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
