FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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