Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
