I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
