I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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