Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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