Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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