Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
