So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
