he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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