Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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