I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
