im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
