Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize