I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
