You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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