I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
