i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
