Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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