Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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