I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
