Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
3 2 1 whiskey
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
