so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
