i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
