so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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