it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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