He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
