Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
