I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
