it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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