Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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