So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
