just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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