i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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