you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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