community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
